Perception

Happiness can be found even in the Darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the Light.  

My thoughts for the evening are on Perception.  

This will likely be incredibly disjointed and might not be easy to follow.  I am not is a great mental state right now.

  *Disclaimer.   I am not saying that I am any more unstable than normal, or that anything is wrong, just that I have a looser grip on my mind than normal*  

I see myself as an observer.  I watch. I listen. I learn.  This being the case I wonder at how people perceive their environments and self-reflect on how I view my own.   

I find that collective perception is in a constant flux.  The way that a collective group of people view an entity is entirely transient. This is why we can see a group change from peaceable to riotous in the blink of an eye.  Why someone can seem completely harmless and sane until they start to do something odd and off kilter.  This is a defense mechanism that humans have created in order to survive it is quite brilliant.  It shows why people are so effected when a psychopath who pretends to be normal all of the sudden throws off their social camouflage and shows their true colors. This scares people. Masses push against things that are not the status quo. 

I look at myself and wonder where do my perceptions of life lie?  Am I seeing things in the correct way or is there even a correct way of viewing life?  I analyze my situation and make predictions from that.  I keep a barrier between myself and others in order be able to analyze things in a way that I feel is more objective.  This does in no way mean that it is objective.  I have realized that it leads to a constant struggle between myself and others.  Keeping a bit of distance between people means that you never really feel close, which conversely means that others never get that feeling of closeness with you either.  Loneliness. One would think, "Well hey, there is an easy way of fixing that, just trust someone and share part of your life with them". This is impossible for me.  It frightens people.  And as been stated above, scared people push away.  

On a related note, I find it astonishing how much perception of individuals deals with a concept called daes dae'mar, or the game of houses. This is in its basic form is social pecking order.  It goes much deeper than that though.  It is the concept that there is a subconscious game being played between people where a word here, or potentially some miss information there, could drastically change the perception and thus the social status of individuals.  

One day, 

C. Fletcher

A Note on Love

A Note on Love


I, as most would, say that I have seen true pure love, but what defines Love?  What in its purest essence is Love?

This night I saw what I would define as Love and I want to share what I saw.  Two people entered a room and the rest of the room darkened.  A light fell over them and there was a sense of unease in the rest of the room. Unease due the rarity of sensing what True Love is.  Jealousy, Longing, Admiration, were all exuded from the room.  The two were enraptured by each other and released a glow when in contact with the other.  They gave off the sense that they could, at that moment, watch the world end and as long as they were together they would meet it head on and be content.
I thought that I had this once, I think back to all of the feelings of being in love.  I can see glimpses of this completeness, but never have I seen anything to that extreme before.
I felt a complete isolation between the pair and everyone else. From outside this appears as a negative.  Why would a pair choose to ostracize themselves from the rest of people so completely.  Then a sense of supreme personal loneliness that can only be satiated by what that pair has, fills you, and you are utterly befuddled by how to achieve something so magnificent.

I long to be a part of something like this.  I am witness to the fact that love is something that grows and, this sense, has had to overcome pain and sadness in order to shine so bright. It is not normally something that happens quickly and that the roots likely have already started to take hold somewhere in my life.  I just pray that they find good soil in order to really start to spread soon.  I yearn to be part of something so numbingly beautiful.


One Day,

C. Fletcher

Dreams of a Polymath

How does one define Potential?

I have been thinking about this pretty obsessively over the last few days.  I think that often the word comes with boundaries. For example...  That person has the potential to be a great researcher... or ... That person has the potential to a good athlete.  These statements indicate that the person in question is neither a great researcher or a good athlete.  It also could imply that the person could only reach a certain level in their respective area. I look at people like James Franco or da Vinci and marvel.  For those of you who don't know, James Franco is an actor, film-maker, author, and is getting his Ph.D. at Yale in English.  People with this kind of drive seem to astound the public.  What is the point in doing all of these things when you are already successful and have so much money? I live in a University town, and still don't know anyone who is like really like this.  An active Renaissance man.  A Polymath.  Homo Universalis. Someone who actively learns about a wide variety of topics and strives to master each one.

Why do people not strive to achieve this?

I think this is a problem with our society.  Our society encourages us to go to college and get a degree in a specific field, so that we can work in that field, and so that we can die in that field.  That is a sad proposition.  Only so much can be learned in one area.  This problem is funny to me though because the American University education system is set up to give its students a wide variety of knowledge, and it is not until you get to higher Graduate-level education that one really begins to truly specialize in a specific area.  Then how is it that the students are not well rounded?  My observation which saddens me to the core is that people choose not to be.  I hear "I am an studying to be an engineer, why would I care what is in a Cell, or why would I care how to write a short story?"  I think these responses depress me so much because I do not understand them in the slightest.  I can't fathom an answer that does not sound odd or foreign to me.  I am not socially inept enough to not know what the answer is, but it truly makes no sense to me.  When I see something that I do not know much about, I yearn to know as much about it as I can as fast as I can.  For  as long as I can remember I have had to fight down urges to quit what I am doing because I want to spend all of my time learning about how this or that works.  Just yesterday I though, "C. you should learn how to make music, and see how long it would take you to either have a hit song or at least make something really original and beautiful."  I have always had to keep these urges on a tight reign since that is not a good way to keep a job.  I dream of what an unencumbered life away from frivolities would be like.  This is no reason stop learning or to only focus on one thing, but a dream that one day things will free up a bit so that I can fill it up once more with other passions.


One Day,

C. Fletcher

A Modern Day Job?

So I have had a long 10 days since my last post.  I think I am going to try and start making these more regular... So Tuesdays and Thursdays and occasional weekends?  Sounds like a custody battle and why am I asking you? Come back on those days and if there is a new post enjoy. If not, well I must have had busy day.

I keep rereading my title and wondering if it is right. It feels a bit arrogant calling oneself "A Modern Day Job". I realize that he was fully a man of God, no one could have refuted that, and that I am not that man. I also see the play on words of Job (the biblical character) and Job (the 9-5 thing most people dread).  But these are kind of intertwined for me.  I have been having an interesting 4 months.  I feel like there has been a lot of bumps along the road. I keep thinking that I am going to really start making progress for one thing and then find out that something happened and now I have to take a step back.  To do a quick summary of what I am referring to, I hurt my hip and likely have to have surgery (no sports),  I was sick for a month and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong (hard to do my job properly), My family is going through hard times (Emmaus, my 17month old niece had brain surgery a week ago).  I don't quite know how to take this really.  I am a patient man, so I am fine with waiting and hoping that it passes.  But it has been 4 months, and I feel like things are just piling on.  So what to do?  This is when I started thinking about patterns and such.  It appears that in the last year and a half I have had a plethora of blessings bestowed upon me.  I became an uncle.  This fills me with pride when I think about it even if the stinker cries every time she sees me though we are slowing making progress with that (see below).

 I got voted First Team All Region in Ultimate and on the club team I was playing for really became a key point in the offense.  I won an "Outstanding Young Investigator" award at a prestigious conference for my research in genetics.  And with all of the various things that have happened, each one of these have become tainted in some form or another.  This came to my mind which was interesting because I haven't read the book of Job in some time.

"Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has,and he will surely curse you to your face..... Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger"

So back to the question, What to do?  I ask for more patience and perseverance. I ask for loving hands of those who are close to me or those who care, to wrap themselves around me until this time passes. For surely this too shall pass.

I would like to say that there have been a few who have come to my aid and when I was at low points whether they knew it or not have bent down on their knees and truly held me up. To those few people, I suppose it is appropriate due to the day being Thanksgiving, from the depths of my heart, Thank you.


One Day,

C. Fletcher

ManEater

So have writing about 4 posts that have not been posted yet.  What does that mean for you readers?  Nothing.  I would like to say that you are going to be getting a ton of posts soon, but I doubt that will happen.  Each have a reason for not being published, I am either working things out personally in the writings or they are not finished.  But since I did give you that teaser, I will tell you that one of them is the prologue to the book that I am slowly writing.  Fancy... Right?  Maybe one day I will share that (I am not again being bribed).

I wanted to share a song with you today.  It has been in my head all day, and I suppose there are normally reasons for things to be stuck in ones head, and that has not changed in this situation either.  Either way, its great to have such a catchy song on my mind.  Enjoy.

Watch Out Boys

So my brain is pretty all over the place right now, likely because I have more stuff to do than I have time for, but I had a thought.  What do you think History is really like?  Are the stories that you know actually accurate?  History is written by the victors right?  Well then what has actually happened in our personal and our world's past?  For example, a woman who is dating and or married to, and meets the man of her dreams, and after some time, she ends up marrying that man and they live happily ever after.  Sounds like a wonderful story right?  What about if you put yourselves in the shoes of the other guy who did not "win". It doesn't sounds like a very good story anymore.  It sounds much less like an incredible love story, and much more like something someone who questionable morals (normally the darker antagonist in a story) would do, treachery, bringer of sorrow, ect.

Who is the Hero?  Who is the Villain?  I don't think it is possible to say for certain, but the answer is probably close to something like, it depends on who ends up being the victor and is able to propagate the story more efficiently.

*the example used is this blog is not representative to anything outside of cyberworld.  Any similarities of real situations are being used for philosophical purposes and do not reflect the direct option of the author.


One Day,

C. Fletcher

Last Words

So I have been thinking about how isolated from my family.  Though it isn't like I am on the other side of  the country or anything, I realize as I am at school I am slowly missing being able to watch how their lives change.  I am missing my niece grow up.  I am missing watching my sister Laurisa and brother Dan, grow to become pillars of faith and out of this world parents.  I am missing how my Dad tells me ridiculous thoughts and anecdotes while we are on as Mark Twain would put it, "A Good Walk Ruined"  or as he would put it, 'an appointment with Dr. Green, who will surely give us a good dose of medicine before we are done'.  I am missing my mom tell me that "There is nothing to eat in the cupboard" and me thinking... that is impossible, how do these people not starve?  and then having her say something like, "If you want to go to Winsteads I wouldn't mind a shake and some fries.." Knowing that there is probably something for me to eat but she really wants some Winsteads.  I miss how I will sit down on the couch trying to leave to go back home and realize 3 hours later that we have been chatting too long and that I am going to be really late, but not really caring.

I know that this post is pretty sentimental, but I had a thought.  What are the last words that you have said to your family?  and would they be something that you would want to tell everyone if they were the last?  I know that family can be difficult sometimes, but take some advice from someone who doesn't get the chance to see their family often, cherish it. It can be very difficult when you can't see them when you want.

My last little comment I want to make on the subject of family is this. I was asked by a girl in a bit of a flirty manner if I needed a muse to help me get through studying (I was having a rough day with all of the work I had piling up).  My response surprised me a bit but as it turns out is incredibly true. I said, "I already have a muse, so I'm good."  She asked who, and I just sent back this.  My Muse.   Living away from my family in situations like this is hard.  I feel constantly that my family doesn't feel like I care or that the situation doesn't hit me as hard because it is not as "real" for me because I don't see it very often. It motivates me in every step of my life. I push myself so hard because I want to be able to make a difference and help in anyway I can.

If I don't get a chance to talk to you again I want you to know that I love you.

One Day,

C. Fletcher

My Muse

Renaissance and Chaos

It is funny how quickly time can fly by when you are sick and don't have time to think about how hard life is going to crush you down if you don't start putting in 18 hour days...  Know the feeling?  No?  ahh.. Well I suppose that it always sounds worse in the Autobiography.

I keep getting veiled threats, threats might be a strong word, but veiled comments at least about getting back to blogging.  I find this pretty amusing because from what I can see only like 3 people actually read this blog. At the same time this is not really the point of the blog.

I have had a few thoughts lately about life and how things are progressing.  I realized that most really successful people, by this I mean people who are ground breaking and completely on top of their field, have huge deficits in other areas of their life.  Their are of course exceptions to this but they are few.  One of the things that I have noticed about this is that this life that is so one dimensional has to be very sad and could explain why those people are in general considered jerks, conceded, depressed, or what not.  They do not know how to deal with things other than what they excel at.  What does this mean for the other people who are good at so many things that they have trouble focusing on any one thing, a Renaissance person if you will.  Do they often slip into obscurity? I think that is possible. Also these people likely often wind up in white collar, middle income jobs.  These people likely also do very well at their job, but do not excel past a certain point due to their inability to lock down on being great in one area.

I see many of these renaissance people and would likely be dumped into this category myself.  I am happy that is the case, but it is a bit of a terrifying situation because I won't be dumped into obscurity by the by the turn of the wheel. The next logical question would be how do you avoid this? is it possible? I think it has to be. I don't have a solid solution for it yet though.  My best guess at this point would be to use your "free or relaxing" time to do something you are passionate about. Most people waste so much time everyday because they make excuses like, I deserve to watch this movie and do nothing else because I am stressed, exhausted, ect.  I find this pretty amusing because though I fall into this category more often than not, I still know that if I take those two hours to do something I am passionate about, when I am done I am so much more fulfilled and when I am doing it, I stop being stressed or tired.

I am in a perpetual state of controlled chaos.

One Day,

C. Fletcher

Just to feel Alive

Wow, it has been a week.  How are you all doing?  Well I hope.  Being sick last week really kicked me off of my schedule that was working so well.  C'est La Vie right? I have been so busy playing catch up that I have been missing things that have been going on around me and along those lines I should be focusing on work right now but I figured that getting something out here is probably a good break.

I have a song for you all!  Just to feel Alive

I heard this song the other day on a playlist that one of my newish yet pretty dear friends gave me. Probably considered super cheesy, but hey, that is pretty much right up my alley.  

Lion, Sculptor had never even seen a picture of a lion. 

I said last post that I should start adding pictures and things.  I figured that would be a great way to take up some space.  I really like this one.  This Lion guarded a cemetery in England I think.  I really enjoy the concept of stone creatures as guards.  The thought pleases my fantasical brain immensely.  

One day, 

C. Fletcher

Being Sick as an Adult

I went to bed last night with a bit of a cough and thought, well at least it is not too bad, knowing my body I will be over it tomorrow.  I was WRONG.  I woke up today and thought, oh no.. this is going to be rough day.  I have been coughing non-stop all day and it has gotten bad enough that I have thrown up like 3 times due to just over-coughing.  I feel fine otherwise, I likely have a temperature, but it is mainly just the coughing.  Normally one might say, "Well Colin, if you are coughing so badly just get some cough medicine and you will feel great!"  Yes that does sound like a logical, and reasonable thing to do.  The very crucial problem is that I left my wallet in a different state on accident.  That being said, I have nearly converted to a life of crime because it has gotten so bad, but I realized that it would be very hard to be stealthy when I am coughing every ten seconds.  I suppose that if I want to look on the bright side, I have not surrendered to the life of crime yet so I will not dishonor my family, ect.  I suppose the point of this paragraph initially was to say that being sick as an Adult is not nearly as fun as it was when you had someone to take care of you, but I got off on a very random and fanstastical tangent.  (which if you read this regularly be might be starting to anticipate)

Anyways, I left work early today because I don't want to infect everyone.  I had a very productive day because of it though.  I got to watch some TED talks as well, which if you haven't seen some of those I highly recommend.  They are very well done and very interesting.   I watched both of these and they are worth your time to watch.  Temple Grandin and Jill Bolte Taylor.  I also did a pretty hardcore cleaning of my room and finished two homework assignments which is pretty good for my sanity I think.

Since I had so much me time today, I had some time to think constructively.  If you lead my last post, too much time to think can be a bad thing for me, but today I started thinking about my future, what it will take to get there, and who I want to be when that day comes.  I constantly strive to be the best, but what does that mean?  How can you be the best Geneticist?  or the best Friend, Boyfriend, Husband, Musician, Athlete?  It is a hard road to travel.  It takes sacrifice that most people are not willing to give up.  Where does that leave me?  Do I lay down and sacrifice myself or friends or lovers for that greatness? These are questions that do not yet have definitive answers.  They probably will never have definitive answers.  They will likely be filled with "somewhats" and "sort of's".  Will that be enough?  I hope so.

One day,

C. Fletcher

Randomlings.

I have been debating what I should write about all day.  I have too much going on in my head right now, too much sad, too much happy, just too much.  I think I will just start with this weekend and move on from there.

I had a great weekend.  I got to play ultimate with some absolutely stellar people who really showed me how important the relationships I have made on the team are. It is sad to me that the season is over, but I am looking forward to seeing where the new friendships will lead.

I wanted to think of something clever to come up with that describes what these conversations are; ramblings, random musings, randomlings?, sure lets go with randomlings.  Anyways, This week on randomlings we are talking about emotions.  I seem to be very up and down.  I wouldn't say anything like I have a disorder, but I definitely have really high and pretty low points.  I think when I get too much time to worry about friends and the likes that I start to feel a bit depressed.  Donald Glover in his stand up tells a joke about how he would rather have AIDS than kids, because kids are horrible.  I will post the link at the end, and though I see the comedic exaggeration, I think he has a point. Many times people try to cause drama and are willing to throw others under the bus just because they are bored or the other person has something they want.  I think this is horrible and has really gotten me down lately thinking about the evil in so many peoples hearts.

I think that this has been a pretty poor attempt at a post and I doubt it has much cohesion.  I will attempt to do better later.

One day,

C. Fletcher

Kids are Awful

Dreams are as Stars in the Sky

I woke up today thinking of dreams.  I had multiple vivid dreams last night, and I started thinking if it would be possible for people to connect with each other in dreams.  I know this sounds overly fantastic but hang with me for a bit.  As I said I had a few very vivid dreams last night, and the parts that stood out about them were that there were a few people who kept pausing, as if they thought they should be somewhere else for a moment.  I know that is a bit odd, but what has been interesting as this day has developed is I have had two of those people today so far tell me that I was in their dreams last night.  One of them had previously told me that they never remembered their dreams. I know this is what most people would say is just pure happenstance, but I think this is the first time in a long time anyone has told me that they had a dream about me, which in general is not a comfortable thing to tell someone.

I do really enjoy some of the stranger things that happen in life.  I am not sold on the fact that science has solved even some of the more mysterious things that people perceive.  Is it possible that some people can have a "psychic" link?  Potentially.  I have been really sold on a line that is in a book that I read,

Science, the largest religion of the twentieth century, had become tarnished by images of exploding space shuttles, crack babies, and a generation of complacent Americans who allowed the television to raise their children.  People were looking for something - I think they just didn't know what. And even thought they were once again starting to open their eyes to the world of magic and the arcane that had been with them all the while, they still thought I must be some kind of joke.

 I suppose to get back to my point a bit.  Is it possible that some people can connect in a way that is more that just physical and chemical interactions?  How can a mother know that her child at college is having a horrible day and call just to cheer them up.  Coincidence?  I suppose that is a possibility.  Is it possible to study?  not really, but I feel like it is a fair thing to speculate on.

I could go more into things, like why is it that people who are more positive seem to have fortunate/lucky things work out for them more often?  It could be just a perception because they don't dwell on the negative things, so it appears as mainly positive things happen to them. Or potentially it is because good "joojoo" "karma" find them because of some other connection.  Once again impossible to study, but interesting to speculate on.

I will leave you with another quote,

Paranoid? Probably, but just because you are paranoid doesn't mean that there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face

One Day,

C. Fletcher

the Beginning of a Mountain

So apparently I am really bad both finding time to write in here and also submitting drafts that I have saved.  For those you will have to wait.  I don't think that they are ready to be published yet.  This one is going to be fairly short I think because I have been really too busy to think of much of importance to write.

I was thinking today that it has been a really long few weeks due to the fact that I have really been pushing to get ahead with research and such.  I have a feeling that it hasn't helped much, but hey it is good to get stuff done.  I am going to have a ton of writing to do this semester. I am starting to feel the weight of the mountain that is my Ph.D. starting to press upon my shoulders.  So far they have been strong enough.

For those of you who what to know a bit more about things that I think about incessantly and hold really close to my chest, take 8 minutes and listen to this, then take another hour to read my sisters blog. She is one of the most incredible women that I will ever meet and she is quite a terrific blogger.  http://laballews.blogspot.com/2012/06/our-story_01.html

This kid is great. You have got to love the glasses.

One day...

C. Fletcher

Goodbye Lazarus, and other ramblings

   I want to preface this post with an apology, my mind was all over the place tonight and this is the result, relatively random wanderings.  Good Luck and Enjoy!

   I would like to say that I am not one for fantastical thinking, but that is probably as much of a lie as the cake is. I have had a very, bi-polar week or so and I found myself thinking that maybe there is something at work either on me, or in me, that makes things this way. I know that the first thing that will pop into many of your minds is, "Oh, well that is evidence that God working in your life."  I want to make it very clear to you that I am not in any way discounting that.  It is very likely in fact, but I also want to just throw some thoughts out here that have been wondering around in my head.

    I started wondering about the importance of people. Specifically, why does it seem that some people make a bigger effect on Life (being those lives of everyone who touches them, so grand scale). It is as if there are a select few people whose presence alone can greatly change the way that others perceive life.  This is getting a bit confusing for me as well, so here is an example, Have you ever been around someone that within a few minutes of really talking with them you realize that you want to me more like this person?  or Have you ever notices that someone that you know seem to be the catalyst for exciting (be it good or bad) things to happen even when they are not seeming to even attempt for anything to happen?  Maybe, Maybe not.  But it seems to me that there are people in this world who the world forms itself around, not the other, more normal view of people adapting to their surroundings.

    That that was a bit more intense than I thought this blog was really going to end up.  I figured I would write about why my life has been bi-polar.  I suppose I will give you this at least.  My car Lazarus is dead (situational irony maybe), for good.  My bike went to the grave 2 days later and Found out some other family sad news. So it has been a pretty sad week or so. I also apparently almost got beat up at a party because I walked a friend home who was lost in the rain, I dont know why that pissed off some of the guys there but apparently it did.  That being said I have really had a very good week as I perceive it.  I have a couple of really good friends who do more things for me than I think they realize and I am happy that they are back in my life.

Saw this in Boston and got way too excited for it.  Thus I sent it to one of those close friends.

C. Fletcher

Analysis of a Vacation

    So it has been quite a while since I have written. I hope to begin to keep it up for longer this time. I have a lot of thoughts and this is a good way of getting them out. I have been traveling around the east coast this summer and have seen two very different ways of living.  I am also told that people like pictures so I will put a few pictures of my trips as well.

I was really tempted to put in a quarter.. but I figured that I am already older so it might make be 50 or so.. which would be a bummer.

    First I went to Boston for a research conference. The people that I met there were very high society and higher intelligence. It made me aspire to be ground breaking and look for novel ways of doing experiments and made me want to push the boundaries of where I can go in my research.  I met a group of people who are all at least somewhat leaders in their respective research fields and realized that though I am not yet where they are, it is not much of a stretch to see me one day be able to meet if not exceed their stations.  It was an inspiring realization for me, and I am looking forward to excelling in my research.

This is potentially one of the libraries in Cambridge should have taken more picture of Harvard. 

     After Boston, I went to Palm Beach, Florida.  This was a complete change of pace for me. Normally I am surrounded by literal genii.  I live in a college town and work in a research lab with one of the "young hot shot" advisers and the other graduate student in my lab would unarguably be selected as the smartest graduate student in our department. I am fortunate to work with people like this who are highly driven people who can push and inspire me to do better than I could do otherwise.  Conversely the atmosphere in Florida was not that.  It is not that I was surrounded by idiots (far from it), but they culture is just very different.  I want to call it a much more "free" culture, but I don't think that gives it justice. I was there for two weeks and was able to relax and have no worries, which makes it a great vacation.  The people I was around just did not fret about anything.  In their minds things get done when they get done and there is no knowing what will happen in a year, a month, a day, or even and hour in the future.  This was a radical concept to the scientific part of my brain which is very structured and plans my days, weeks, months, ect, in advance for me. On the other side though, this way of thinking has given me a new perspective on ways to deal with adversities and such which I am hoping will be a valuable asset for me in the future.  I love the people who I got to spend time with and those that I got to meet in Florida.

- C. Fletcher